I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”