Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
How software testing works
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.