Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.