applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Well, this is awkward
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower