prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
God has abandoned us.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.