If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit