Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD