[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”