So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone