I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”