People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“What?”
– Jude
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues