We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Every haunted house movie:
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.