Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.