Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.