Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.