me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You Might Also Like
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
True statement👍😏😁
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?