Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Cheers Twitter.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.