Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I wish I were this cool 😂
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”