I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat