Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Pizza is an emotion right?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals