Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Imma just leave this here…………
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?