Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
i was baptized in a car wash
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler