An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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