I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy