I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The Compass
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Smile they said.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My current situation
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…