Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
You Might Also Like
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it