All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What flavor cupcake are these
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious