I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not