Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth