At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Wait for it
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *