A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Why am I like this?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
just pretend nothing happened
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.