Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
why isn’t he texting back
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.