The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house