Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You Might Also Like
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.