“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
asked my bf how work was today
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying