Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.