It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.