Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.