Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
the simulation is moving too fast