My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me after eating Cheetos
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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house sitting!