Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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me: be gentle, it鈥檚 been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that鈥檚 the bride
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family鈥檚 accounts
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
銇濄倢銇崏
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Oh, so you鈥檙e a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm鈥ou sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I waitress because if I don鈥檛 get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don鈥檛 feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I鈥檓 gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I鈥檝e been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
well, Sam. It鈥檚 been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can鈥檛 believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday