You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
😂💯
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.