[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You Might Also Like
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.