Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
You Might Also Like
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Yup
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb