To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
i really liked this one
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.