“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.