Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
😂💯
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?