Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Safety first
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Is….Is this an option?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
no!! no!!!!!!
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever