My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
You Might Also Like
Me My dog
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.