True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house